By Megan Chorney, Practicum Therapist at Kells Psychology
Grief has a way of changing the texture of our days.
Over the years, in both my personal and professional experiences with grief, I’ve come to learn that grief isn’t something to fix or move past, but rather something to be with, as a deeply human response to loss.
When I first started working with those who are grieving, a mentor offered me an image I’ve never forgotten: Grief is like a string of lights.
At the time I didn’t fully grasp what that meant. But as I’ve walked alongside many people in loss, the metaphor has deepened… Life while grieving often feels like a tangled mess! Some of the light bulbs work, some don’t, and the lights are hard to untangle! Likening grief to a strand of lights can help us visualize how sometimes grief, like a strand of lights, feels impossible to sort out. Grief can feel knotted, chaotic, and incredibly fragile. We may not know where to begin.
The Work of Untangling
So how do we untangle grief? How do we sort through and make sense of all of these new emotions, experiences, and sensations that come with it?
Untangling grief is often confusing, messy, and well … there’s no shortcut … It is slow work, the kind that asks for compassion, companioning, and patience. We do it one light bulb, one knot, at a time.
Some of the lights will flicker back on, and others may stay dim and need to be replaced with new bulbs, showing the places where loss has reshaped us. Replacing a bulb might look like learning a new routine, reconnecting with others, or creating a new meaningful tradition to honor who you have lost. It might mean starting the day with quiet reflection, going to therapy, joining a support group, taking walks in nature, or even cooking a loved one’s favourite meal as a form of remembrance. Sometimes it’s as subtle as catching yourself laughing again, and realizing that joy and grief can coexist, and both belong.
We can work little by little, setting the strand of lights down to return to later, acknowledging it is ok to rest, and coming back to the lights when we are ready.
Companioning Through Grief
The work of untangling does not need to be done alone! Grief often asks to be witnessed! Companioning in grief, as coined by Alan Woefelt (2006), shows how we can sit together with those tangled lights, not rushing to untangle them but rather staying curious about what each knot and each bulb represents. To companion someone in grief is to be present, to deeply listen, to hold space,
and bear witness (Woefelt, 2006). Tracing the strands, holding the lights, and reminding one another that we do not have to carry the grief alone.
When We Experience Grief
Grief is not limited to the death of a loved one, it can come from any sense of loss that changes our identity, sense of belonging, plans for the future, safety, or daily life. You might be grieving if you are navigating:
- The death of a loved one, friend, or pet
- A change in health or physical ability
- Loss of identity or role, such as job loss or retirement
- The end of a relationship or friendship
- Estrangement from family or community
- Life transitions such as a move, relocation, major life change
- Collective grief of world events
- Cultural bereavement such as loss of culture, language, or social structure
You Don’t Have to Navigate Grief Alone
At Kells Psychology, we understand that grief is deeply personal, and healing looks different for everyone. Our trauma-trained therapists are here to companion you through your grief journey.
Whether you’re struggling with recent loss, dealing with complicated grief, or carrying pain from the past, we’re here to help you untangle those lights at your own pace.
Ready to take the first step?
References:
Wolfelt, A. D. (2006). Companioning the Bereaved: A Soulful Guide for Counselors & Caregivers. Companion Press.